0008: Lack of practice

It has been a long month since my last post. Even as I type, I am in a whirl, a rush, a world outside of my creative line of thinking and doing. I participate in activities, I work OT at my job. I am beginning to wonder if I am avoiding practice in fear of mistakes and “becoming perfect”.

I haven’t done a lot in the areas I enjoy. Tarot readings have been sporadic. My tea consumption has been everyday, because soda causes me to crash now (which is good in the end, for my health, though my pocketbook still suffers – I buy only high quality Taiwanese tea…). I have good intentions when it comes to wanting to study Japanese but I never sit down in one place long enough to study.

All the excuses in the world are just life trails we take. I blame no one but myself for what I perceive to be unhappiness, happiness, success, failures, sadness, joy. It is my life, and I am living it. I have never worked so much OT. I guess this is a very low point in my adult life that I am working to accept because so many of my ideals are not present (trains – hate driving; living space – generous parents letting live here while I tend to my debts, etc).

I’m very close to deleting FB. I don’t find it useful other than fueling the self-anger I have against myself. Its easy for someone to say “oh, everyone compares themselves to others all the time!” but it feels so debilitating that I might as well get rid of the root problem. Do you know what its like to hate yourself so much when you see your sisters work hard, share results, get praise, and all that superficial hype? I just… I just want to live my life, off the grid. I don’t want to be here for the praise, not anymore. It feels like such tedious work that I give up before I start. I want to please only myself. I am tired of thinking that me losing weight will make a difference in the lives of those around me. Maybe that’s why I lost weight and ended up being happier alone -that the people whom I constantly thought of (and currently think of today) were just not present to be a source of stress.

I need to work on detachment? Possible (more than likely) project to consider.

This feels like such a tiresome life at times. Here’s to trying and failing and trying again.

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