0006: Fears and Ideals

We live in a world where we think too much, hide behind screens of various sizes, and proclaim that these words are our actions for whom we are and how we identify as our true self.

Such. Bull.

I have done a very good job of hiding my true self these last 18 years of being actively connected to the net. Yes, I’ve been active on the nets since our current graduates were just babies, dabbling with finding the perfect username and cursing at the dialup in the middle of a server battle for StarCraft. I’ve finessed a level of conversation with my prose to allow intelligence and banter to intermingle when all you see are characters and hear no genuine tonality and volume control.

But I tire of my fears and unrealistic ideals.

I can’t just be the name and digital words in front of you anymore.

I bumped into an old classmate from high school (actually, we confirmed the same middle school but apparently didn’t have any classes that would trigger a remembrance of the other) -I hadn’t seen him since we graduated and he looked EXACTLY the same (except the crow laugh lines were a little deeper). I honestly thought it was a miracle he remembered me -I felt I had changed way too much in a physical sense over the last 14 years since our graduation ceremony. But upon contemplation, people will remember people because of how you made them feel, and I’d always appreciated the humor and classmate camaraderie I share with him and others in those cliques (I was a floater, you couldn’t quite pin me – newspaper, orchestra, friends at all grades whom were both DECA bound and skaters, lots of drama people as our band hall connected us with their space). And it was nice and yet unnerving to talk to him. I felt like a child still -he was there with his wife, mother, and their two kids, and I was actually just about to get some sorbet while my boyfriend did his grocery shopping. I got derailed but in a pleasant way, though I had this… fear in me while speaking to him.

So I thought about it after leaving the shopping area (and no sorbet, I just felt too childish -and I shouldn’t have! I should of gotten what I wanted and called it a productive summer night!) – why did I have this annoying, irrational fear when I spoke with him? Because he knew me only in real life. I wasn’t connected to him via social networks so having an authentic real-life-only connection scared the bejesus out of me. Now, normally this isn’t the case. My day job is nothing but talking to strangers I’ll never meet via the call center and making a difference in these people’s lives. But they actively seek someone to speak to; this situation was a “oh hello!” passerby chance that, if it was someone that I barely knew, wouldn’t have really stopped to speak. But this classmate was always someone, in high school, whom I’d speak to for more than a casual moment’s length, so my inherent nature was to act on that old relationship foundation.

Was it the right thing to do? Yes, it was necessary to acknowledge him and connect in the moment. It reminded me that those relationships matter the most. When the internet breaks down and we have to leave our caves and coffee shops in the apocalypse of the Luddite, it will be the ability to establish real relationships that are transparent and authentic that make a difference for survival and the goal to thrive with others around us.

Still, I have this fear within me that I still only view the world in ideals and not in reality. Perhaps its the real reason why I struggle with weight loss, goals, and where I am meant to be in this life. It’s getting on the late side. Monday will be a coffee day with no shame at this rate.

Adieu for now. Thanks for stopping by.

PS: Would you like to have a letter written to you? If so, I will write you a love letter or a letter of encouragement or just a postcard of “whatever!” if you so desire. Email me at lifelvlup.buddy@gmail.com and I’ll happily write you.

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0004: (first) Steps

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imageToday is actually my second day on the treadmill. Yesterday was a random dry run on the (new) machine (from my boyfriend’s mother). So after contemplating small daily goals, this first week is about reminding my body what it’s like to actually MOVE. I can do weights for days but all I do is bulk up. I need to slim down in a natural way. It won’t happen overnight. Or in a month. Now I’m tracking the changes. See the starting self photo on Instagram here.

My biggest challenge is feeling like I’m doing it right. I’ve grown up with a problem of perfectionism- if it’s not prepped just right, I can’t do it. I need these conditions so I won’t fail. But now I am just going to do what feels right in the moment. I plan on failing a lot and seeing where it takes me. At the very least, I began to take a step into a direction.

Let’s see where the journey takes me!

0003: Tickets, please.

I was at a friend’s apartment tonight. At their posh complex, they do not provide guest parking of any kind. The living spaces sit atop a local shopping venue with a limited time garage. In the past I’ve gone over here and there but never got a ticket.
Tonight was a stressful one. My allergies have been acting up so to combat this persistent condition of symptoms, I picked some Flonase. As a spray, I didn’t expect anything to go wrong, spray up nostrils, breathe in, wait. I am used to taking Benadryl and Claitin for my condition but not today! Yet I wound up staying significantly later than usual – I won’t drive if I am tired (note, will discuss that reasoning on another post). So, much to my slight surprise, I had a yellow envelope with a ticket declaration. I sat in my car, thought about how my night went, then drove home and paid my ticket. I wasn’t upset. I was in the wrong. There’s really nothing to say why I was over, so I can pay. I *did* pay. And I’m glad I did and from now one will do my damnedest to not park there. Lesson learned.

Time to go to sleep.